agony

LOSER

2011-11-02T09:30:00.003+08:00

another day... few days from now, it will be 28 years of agony. long enough isn't it? it was years and years of battle... which i seldom win, and often lose. many times i died, many times i'm born again. frustrating... how ever hard i try to have my space on earth, i always end up in an empty space! is this the space for me? ahahaha! maybe! i always fight... win the public! win the audiences' attention! gets applauded! but i have a secret... i'm a BIG LOSER. :(( the battle continues... i know that at the end of this, i'm gonna lose! but i'll keep on fighting though...

Madilim...

2011-07-07T21:28:00.002+08:00

Tila ang mundo'y madilim na naman para sa akin. Anong pilit ko mang idilat ang aking mga mata ay wala akong nakikita kundi kawalan. Walang luha sa aking mga mata sapagkat marahil ay pagod na ang aking katawan sa pagbibigay ng reaksyong umaakma sa kalungkutan. Subalit ang aking puso'y patuloy sa pag aalma. Dinidilig nito ng luha ang buo kong katauhan. Ang aking kaluluway sumisigaw ng pag daing, humahagilap ng dadamay subalit wala ni isa man ang nakaririnig. Ang pawang nakikita nilay ang malakas na ako. Ang ako na puno ng kapangyarihan at tapang. Ang ako na taas noo at nguumapaw sa tiwala sa sarili. Kung alam lamang nila... Malamang ay too nga ang kasabihang: 'ANG PANLABAS NA KAANYUAN AY NAKABUBULAG."

Nais ko ng kasama sa lakbay ng buhay... ilang ulit na akong nadapa at bumangon... Paulit ulit na halos hindi ko na mabilang... At ngayon, narito na naman ako..nakahandusay sa putikan at ngpupumilit na makabangon.

Dream of a Life

2011-06-08T20:39:00.003+08:00

Where am I now? It seems to be that I'm lost even though I'm found. Everything around me seems to be bearing with them puzzles that leave me with question marks.

The journey is endless. I'm tired and worn out but I simply cannot stop. There is no place to rest. The world go so fast that I have to keep track with everything, the demands of life seems to be overwhelming.

I wish I'm still a child who doesnt care about life, someone who just cry and calls mom for rescue, someone who sees everything as play, and who forgets bad things easily after a good nytgh sleep...

I wish that my lide is just a dream... A night mare that when I wake up, everything will be back to the reality that all is well. But life, especially mine is simly isn't like that. In my life... peace, freedom, happiness, and security are just part of dreams which can only be reach in my deepest dream...

:-(

heavy loads of work...stressed, exhausted...

2010-09-13T21:56:00.002+08:00

YOUR BLOOD

2010-08-22T20:45:00.003+08:00

i'm meek as meek,

with a heart of an angel

who wants nothing

but to love you

and care for you.

until one day

i woke up

without you!

empty handed!

alone and busted!

now...

i'm rising like a dragon in fury

who desire nothing

but to devour you!

only your blood can pay

the pain that you awed me!

my simple principle in life

2010-08-15T23:49:00.003+08:00

i will love like i never get hurt before...i will trust like i was never betrayed... i will give like i never experienced being deprived... i will hope like i never got disappointed... i will fly like i did not experience falling...

and if i get hurt, betrayed, deprived, disappointed and fall...for whatever means, or by whoever... i shall never get tired...

i shall stand again, gracefully, although with tears... and keep on repeating these words to myself until i find my place on earth... ^__^

transformation...hubad na katotohana!

2010-07-31T20:57:00.001+08:00

rainbow after the rain...

2010-07-18T14:19:00.003+08:00

pag sad ka, daanin mo lang sa tawa...

pag broken ka, dwell on the feeling but keep your heart intact...

pag nasasaktan ka, resist..keep going! "winners never quit--quiters never win."

kapag nadapa ka along the way, bumagon ka with grace...

Isang Pagtatapat

2010-05-05T09:12:00.005+08:00

Kapag pakiramdam mo ay hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo...

Kapag pakiramdam mo ay wala kang halaga...

Kapag hindi nya pinapansin at walang dating ang iyong mga pagmamaktol at pag papapansin...

Kapag madaling mag init ang ulo ng taong mahal mo sa mga simple mong pagkakamali...

Kapag hindi nya magawang suyuin ka sa mga pagkakataong may tampuhan kayo...

Kapag laging nangingibabaw ang kanyang pride sa mas maraming pagkakataon...

Kapag dinededma ka nya dahil naasar sya sa yo...

Kapag nag giging masama ang trato nya syo dahil galit sya...

Kapag pakiramdam mo ay ok lang sa kanyang mawala ka...

Ano ang gagawin mo?

Ito ang tapat na nararamdaman ng puso ko...

Subalit sa kabila ng lahat...

Patuloy pa rin akong nagmamahal...

Sana'y magkaroon na ng pagbabago ang takbo ng pag iibigang ngayon ay aking kinalalagyan...

Gusto ko sanang minsan pa'y ngumiti at sabihin sa sarili kong "masarap ang umibig."

Ang puso ko'y umiibig subalit kasabay nito'y labis itong nalulumbay...

Nalulumbay, dahil ito'y tila hindi inaalagaan ng taong labis kong minamahal...

At baka nga kung malaman nya ito'y ikagalit pa nya at pagtalunan namin....

Tapat itong aking nararamdaman...sana'y gawin nya ang dapat nyang gawin upang pasayahin ang taong sinasabi nyang minamahal nya...

WALANG SINING

2010-03-11T22:24:00.002+08:00

walang sining sa pader...
ito'y tahimik lamang na saksi..
hindi gumagalaw, nagmamatyag lamang...
walang kumento,
walang pag husga...
nananatiling payapa at matatag.

walang sining sa pader...
walang pintura,
walang nakasabit na kwadro...
magaspang,
matigas,
hindi natitinag!

walang sining sa pader...
umiyak ka't tumawa;
ang pader ay walang pakialam!
ang pader ay pader!
pader...
maniwala ka!
walang sining ang pader!

nakipag sex ako!

2009-12-13T23:02:00.003+08:00

yes i did.. a lot of times to different people...

i found out that perspective changes... people chance...

i was like a angel before...so innocent, so clean, so spotless... untill i was awaken by this world's evil! the reality of life... the true scenario outside the fences of our house... slowly my horn, claws, pangs and tail sprang... and so im now one of the wild animals roaming around the wilderness....

i thought before that i will only do it to people that i love, to my someone special.. but its another thing now...

i can have sex with anyone... with anybody that i like. im still choosy but when i like a person, i dont have any hesitation! i always say yes and spend a night or two... yes...

life is short...im just living it to the fullest or maybe foolest! wahahahaha! maybe im wrong but maybe not...who knows???

i have been judged many times... pinagbintangan ng mga bagay na hindi ko naman ginagawa...inakusahan ng kung mga krimen na wala ako kinalaman... pwes ngaun akusahan man ako! matatangap ko dahil totoo... putangina ninyong lahat!!

Kalsada...

2009-10-03T12:25:00.004+08:00

Nasaan na ba ako ngayon? 25 yeas na akong naglalakbay sa buhay. Ang dami nang medalyang nakasabit sa leeg ko! Mabigat na sa totoo lang. Nakakasakal dahil ang bawat medalya ay may kaakibat na expectations at responsibilities. Nakakasakal.

Ss bawat araw ay patuloy ang aking mga pag hakbang, mga hakbang na walang sariling direksyon. Humahakbang ako ayon sa kalsadang inihahain sa akin ng aking pamilya at ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Humahakbang ako upang tahakin ang direksyon na para sa kanila ay tama at magabnda. Hindi lang nila alam. Hindi ito ang landas na gusto kong lakaran.

Gusto kong tumalon-talon sa kalsada ng kalayaan. Kusto kong magtampisaw at paminsan minsa'y mag kandirit ng walang tatawa o magagalit sa akin. Gusto kong lumipad sa malawak na kalsada ng kalayaan! Isang kalsada itong ako laman ang nakakaalam. Isang landas na nalalakaran ko lamang ng palihim. Isang lakbayin na mag isa kong tinatahak sa tuwing madilim ang gabi at pikit ang mata ng aking mga bantay. I sang landas na sa paningin ng mga bulag ay patungo sa kawalan at kapahamankan. Isang landas na walang patutunguhang mabuti. Isang landas na hindi hahantong sa paraiso at buhay na walang hanngan. Putang inang yan! Mga bobo! Umaasa sa wala ang mga tanga!

Akala ng marami ay nasa tamang tract sila ng buhay. Gumagawa ng mabuti, nabubuhay ng may dangal at na-aayon sa conventions ng mundo. Nagsasakripisyo. Para saan? Ito raw ay upang bigyang kaganapan ang layunin ng pagkalikha sa kanila. Nagpapakabuti upang bigyang kasiyahan ang lumikha, sa pag asang sa bandang huli...sa pagtatapos ng lakbay ng buhay ay may paraisong naghihinta. Punyeta!

At ako naman si tanga ay nakukunwaring kasabay nila ako sa paglakad. Lumalakad ako with grace. Ang mga hakbang ko sa kalsadang ito ay higit pang mas maganda kesa sa mga hakbang nila! Ang iba'y naiinggit, ang iba'y humahanga, ang karamihan ay nauungusan at iniiwan ko. Mababagal kasi.

Pero ito ang napuna ko, bakit kahit gaano pa ako kagraceful lumakad ay may mga tumatawa pa rin? May mga nanlalait pa rin sa paraan ko ng paglalakad. Kahit pilitin kong maging normal ang bawat hakbang ay may mga kumukutya pa rin! Bakit sinasabi nilang hindi ako kasali sa landas na ito? Itinataboy nila ako palayo.

Alam mo ba? Dati ay talagang ang tamang landas na ito (tama daw sabi nila) ang pinili kong tahakin. Yun nga lang, dahil sa paulit ulit na bulong ng aking mga nakakasabay...mga nakakabinging bulong ng pangungutya ay naisip kong marahil nga ay hindi ako dapat dito lumalakad. Hanggang sa tuluyan na nga akong nagkandirit sa landas na sa palagay ko'y akma para sa akin. Kung minsan gusto ko nang sumuko dahil napapagod na ako, ayoko na. Pero ano ako bale? Tangina nila! Hindi ko papayagang hanggang sa hukay ay pagtawanan pa rin ako ng mga mapang husgang mata sa paligid ko: mga hayup na mabangis na sumira sa sanay malinis at maganda kong buhay...

Talaga kayang ito ang landas patungo sa paraiso? Ang kitlan ng kaligayahan ang sarili habang lumalakad upang maipon ang mga ngiti at halakhak...tapos i-claim na lang ang mga ito sa langit? Ganun? Dapat ganito-dapat ganun-wag yan-wag iyon-dito ka-wag k dyan. Tumawa ka, umiyak ka, tumalon ka, sumayaw ka, kumanta ka, sumigaw ka, magduling dulingan ka!!! Putang ina! Pinaglalaruan tayo! Oo maaring masaya ang marami sa ganitong sistema. Nahahanap nila ang kanilang self fulfillment sa ganitong kalagayan--but this rule does'nt apply to everyone. Paano kung ayaw kong gawin ang ginagawa ng marami na sapalagay nila ay tama. Panu kung hindi ako naniniwala sa pinaniniwalaan nilang tama?

Pero akong si tanga ay heto pa rin. Kasabay ng madla sa pagtahak sa makitid na daan ng kaligtasan. Punyeta! Pahirap sa sarili. Bakit hindi na lang ganito...Walang basagan ng trip. Walang pakialaman kung saan gustong lumakad at walang pansinan kung paano ang paraan ng paglakad na gustong gawin ng isang tao. Pagapang man yan, pilantod, patiyad, patihaya, whatever! Kaso nga hindi ganun ang nangyayari...Palaging my criticisms sa mga naiiba. Palaging my puna ang mga hindi sumusunod sa convention. Mga ulol! Wag nyo na kaming idamay sa katangahan nyo!

Pero patuloy akong magpapanggap... Lumalakad kasama nila sa kalsada ng kaligtasan.

Pa-aasahin ko silang naglalakad ako sa parehong kalsada. Paniniwalain na lumalakad ako with grace sa tamang daang sinasabi nila. Sasabayan ko ang sayaw ng mundo sa abot ng aking makakaya. Hahayaan ko silang matuwa na nakikitang kapareho nila ako. Patuloy akong tatanggap ng mga medalya. Hahayaan ko silang sabitan ako ng sabitan hanggang sa lubusan nang mabali ang aking leeg. Mahirap ang landas na ito, oo. Hindi ito ang landas na gusto kong lakaran... Kaya naman kapag gabi na't madilim, sa mga oras na walang makakakita...patuloy akong nagkakandirit sa landas ng kalayaan.. Isang landas kung saan ang bawat hakbang ay katumbas na ng paraiso. Isang byaheng langit na hindi na kailangan pang mag hirap at magpakasakit nago maabot ang paraiso at ligaya. Bwahahaha!

PITIK SA PUSO

2009-10-03T02:03:00.001+08:00

Whitney Houston F/ Mariah Carey Lyrics

Patay tayo d'yan!

2009-07-21T23:13:00.003+08:00

Natatawa ako sa sarili ko. Sa mga nakaraang araw para akong pariwara. Ginagawa ko na lang basta ang mga bagay bagay na hindi sigurado kung tama ba ito o mali. Antanga tanga ko! Basta ko na lang sya hinalika ehh bawal yun kasi mapanganib...ayan tuloy natatakot ako ngayon kung anong mangyayari!Patay talaga ako pag nagkaton. Pata na patay ako! Saan kaya ako pupulutin kapag pumutok ang isyu? Hay bakit kasi ako nakinig kina sir A at mam B...tsk tsk nawalan ako ng sariling utak! Antanga tanga ko grabe! Sa bagay ginawa ko yon kaya dapat kong harapin kung anu man ang magiging resulta...

Sa ngayon, ang magagawa ko na lang ay ang umasa na gusto nya rin ako. O kung hindi naman, sana manahimik na lang sya...Lagot ako pag iba ang ginawa nya! Sobrang lagot ako! GRRRR wahahaha! Bahala na... ^___^ Tatawanan ko na lang ang lahat lahat sa ngayon. Nakita pa naman ni Sir P at ng tropa kong c A ang mga kagaguhang ginawa ko! Nakakahiya sobrang sirang sira ako sa mga yun ngayon. Kailangan kong makabawi at malinis ang mga basurang ikinalat ko. Natatawa talaga ako sa mga katangahan ko. Kaso wala na akong magagawa, tapos na kasi eh!

Pero sa totoo lang, natatakot talaga ako. Patay ako pag nagkataon! Shit!

uncertain...

2009-05-23T00:10:00.004+08:00

I am not sure of what will happen to me in the next two years.

February 2009, my girlfriend left abroad for work, our agreement is: she will come back after two years and then we will get married--I'm not sure if i love her enough...

My parents trained me to be god fearing, prayerful, and religious.

I know most of the bible stories and characters because I grew up attending church ceremonies and bible studies. I can recite bible verses and tell the stories of Abram, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, Ester, Saul, Daniel, Zachariah, Jeremiah, Job, etc... But I grew up and realized that I do not believe in god. That such thing such as god doesn't really exist. (just my opinion) I'm not sure if I will have to tell this to my parents, who in good will, raised me to be a godly man-but failed. Should I slap this reality to their faces? Or just keep it to myself and pretend that I still have god whenever they are around?

I am now facing a battle. I am a warrior who doesn't know what to do in the battlefield.

Which will you choose in terms of making decisions and actions?--Doing things that you like/want, but get negative feedback from 99.9% of people around you--or--Doing things that you don't like/want but gain acceptance and praise from 100% of people around you. This is my pandemonium right now! I do not want this kind of situation, I just don't have a choice.

+++++ For some, it will be so easy to say a word/react/judge/conclude/think of something else to say... But hey! You don't know what I'm going through. You are not in a position to blame me for what I'm feeling and what I become. What you know about me is just the surface of my story. You still have a thousand miles to dig before you can fully understand my AGONY...

already there but still lost...

2009-03-15T21:19:00.004+08:00

not bragging... i think i am intellectually capable.

October of last year (2008), i enrolled for my thesis writing--the last stage before i could get my master's degree. i enrolled but did not do anything about my thesis, i'm not in the mood. until two weeks ago (after almost six months of idleness), one Monday morning, i suddenly woke up with a desire to finish my studies. I sat in front of my computer and started working out my thesis...after 8 days and a half, I'm done. The next morning, i surprised my adviser with a sudden visit, and in my hands is a printed copy of my thesis--all done!
I was confident of my work...

After handing my paper, I left with a word from my adviser that he will inform me of his evaluations. Day after, he called up asking me to meet him about the results. The next day, I went to his office...comments are few revisions on my typographical errors and the rest are all compliments! He told me, with a tone of admiration in his voice, that my work was excellent! I was not surprised because I know that my work was really good and I am confident about it.

To sum it all up, I did all the necessary arrangements for my final thesis defense as per his instructions. Now, I am scheduled to do it this coming Friday (March 20, 2009). I'm not bothered because I know that I will pass! I am sure of it!

The catch is, although I am gifted of this so called "intellectual superiority", I am still lost. On Saturday (March 21, 2009), I will be getting my master's degree after passing my final defense and by the next school year, I will be enrolling my self to a doctoral course. But after it, what? I am victorious in almost all my endeavors but still, I'm empty... Something's missing in me.

I'm already there! But still lost!

Life is a never ending journey of finding out our own place on earth... As for me, I never have found mine yet... tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and on the following days of my life, I will continue my journey with the hope that one day I will be FOUND!

Hapdi...

2009-02-21T00:54:00.000+08:00

Isang eksena sa pilikulang “You are the One” habang nagpapaalam si Tony Gonzaga kay Jodie Santa Maria na nag-iimpake ng gamit n'ya pabalik ng U.S. at gumaganap na kapatid nya:

Tony: (Binunot ang lumang stuff toy from a paper bag. Hesitant…) Si bachingching my space pa?
Jodie: (Ngumiti at inabot ang stuff toy…) Kahit wala na, gagawan ko…

Yun lang yon...haha! Madako tayo sa aking buhay. Naranasan mo na ba ang sumusunod:

Mga sitwasyong talo ka dahil hindi mo kontrolado ang sitwasyon, talo ka kahit dapat panalo ka, talo ka dahil baliktad ang mundo, talo ka dahil bulag ang mga tao. Tagumpay ka subalit talo ka!

Oo tagumpay ako sa aking karera, tagumpay sa mga ambisyonng materyal, tagumpay sa pag-ibig, tagumpay sa prinsipyo at paniniwala, tagumpay na mapunan ang mga inaasahan ng aking pamilya at ng mundo, tagumpay sa tingin ng lahat! Sa mata ng mga nakakakita sa akin ay tagumpay ako. Akala nila ay tagumpay ako dahil mga bulag sila! Tagumpay akong lokohin sila at ang aking sarili! Tagumpay ako kapag nasa harap ng mga tao subalit isa akong talunan kapag humaharap ako sa salamin.

Isang bagay lamang, kahit kalian ay hindi ko naisip ang sumuko sa mga madidilim na araw ng aking buhay. Mga araw ng unos at bagyong hindi ko na halos mabilang! Palagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko, “MAY PAG-ASA PA!” (Kahit ang totoo’y wala na…)

the forbidden poem

2009-02-18T01:11:00.003+08:00

Ito na ang poem na hindi ko mapost. Thanks to bong ganun lng pala un!haha! ayan na xa...just read on sa mga naintriga kung bakit sensored ito. hehe!

Sweet Agony

Painful…but I pursue.
It’s like fire screeching into my bones,
Separating my soul from my body,
Forbidden, I know… but I swallowed.
It dries up my throat, numbing my body,
Slowly burning my lonely heart…
But bringing me a delightful spirit.
I longed for more! Chased the fire!
Painful and shameful but feels magnificent within.
It tastes wonderful…the pain, giving me life,
Chastising my soul…
Awaking my sleeping senses…
Arousing the valiant warrior from within.

I kept pounding…I leaked… I swallowed.
The pain keeps flowing in my veins!
It stops the beating of my weary heart,
But the sensation…
It brings my thoughts to heaven!
I can see angels dancing!
The sirens kissing my bosom!
Deities undressing me! Divine!
Nudity is not a shame but honor…
The screams are not of agony but enjoyment!
Aching but tender, bitter but sweet in every bite.
The blood that flows gives way to a new hope,
That heaven is not too far away at all,
It is in your warm embrace…

Sweet Agony

2009-02-07T21:14:00.005+08:00

a poem is supposed to go along with this photo... i wonder why everytime i try to pose it, it always fail! is there a sensor in blogspot? maybe my language in the poem is too obscene? i dont know...sayang naman!

kaya e2 na lang...mga confessions ko! ahihihi!

1. natry mo na bang mgshop lift? natry q na nung college... sa mercury drug!!! isang pirasong sign pen, at nahuli ako! and i payed 10 times the price nung kinuha q para lang ikeep nila un as a secret...ikaw unang nakaalam besides mercury drug people!!!

2. anu ang maximum ejaculation mo per day so far? wahahaha! (4 boys ang question na ito ha..lam q unlimitid ang mga girls!) ako 14 times! it happens one day na nasa bahay ako at nanood ako ng porno all day long! at all day long din ako nag ejaculate! wag na pakaplastic ung iba jan!haha

3. anung greatest shameful experience mo? ako ay nung hindi ko napronounce ng tama ang salitang "isle" sa english class q... akalain mo i pronounced it as "ay-sel" instead of "ayl" nung may nagreak lang na student saka q narealize! pakshet! nakakanindig balahibo ang poutah!

4. tulo laway ako!! as in literal! madalas 2mulo ang laway q, buti n lang it happens when im with people hu r close to me...kaya d maxado nakakahiya, actually cute and funny lage ang experience...hehe

5. i was once a colboy...nung college un, extra income lang...at mahal ang service charge q! secret lang natin un ha...

6. e2 mejo positiv..i started working at the age of 16, 1st yr college aq nun and i worked as service crew at mcdo...hul college lyf q un..i got promoted as marketing rep when i was 18 sa mcdo pa din..sad--hindi aq nag graduate w/ flying colors kc hati ang tym q sa work and skuling...sana sana sana!!!

7. i was a candate to become a pastor (kc i was raised by a born again christian family) b4 i suddenly become an atheist!cguro because of my experiences and realizations in life... at hindi pa alam ng parents q na wala na akong dyos even untill now..they still ask me to pray and go to church all the time..and i always obey!

8. i masturbated in our office's cr when i was working in makati...kc d q mapigilan... i also do it several times in our school's cr (sorry tao lng!) at least im not harming anyone.

9. sinira ko ung leather na upuan ng isang bagong jip na byaheng ikot sa UP nung college.. and i used my ball pen para warakin un! it was when i was having may ojt.... ehh kc naman hindi sinuklian ng driver ung 10 pesos na bayad ko...so iparepair na lng nya nung leather sit ung sukli ko! di ba?

10. i saved a woman's life... kc nag suicide ang asawa nya and she was then so ruined and misserable--kung nakita nyo lng sana how she was...so i made her fall for me para makaahon sya sa putik na kinalalagyan nya... (actually i really like and love her naman even when i first met her, un nga lng i found out n my asawa na xa..kaya umatras aq..pro nung madeds ung asawa nya, umentra na ako!) she's now successful in her career and in life... a really strong and admirable woman!

11. i can eat nang walang kabusugan as in sky is the limit! glutony na matatawag pero hindi ako tumataba at still in shape pa din kahit hindi ako ng gi-gyum! ( ang yabang! wahahaha) pro 22o sobrang takaw ko talaga...sozen donuts or limang linerang lecheplan! isang ulot lang saken kayang kaya ko! itry mo pa kung di ka naniniwala...

12. sobrang iyakin ko as in nood lng ng movie o mmk napapaiyak na ako...saka petty things makes me cry kahit sa ordinary day events lng. (pro hindi q naman pinapakita sa mga tao..ang sagwa eh! ) at sobrang dali ko din mapatawa kahit napaka korning jok! LOL na q agad!--in short isa akong baliw! hehe

13. na j-waking na ako several tymes...ung isa kumanta q ng lupang hinirang, ung isa namulot ako ng basura, ung isa tinakbuhan ko...at ung marami pang iba-- nagpanggap akong otistic at palagi akong lusot kapag ginagawa ko ang acting ko!--im a good stage actor at nagagamit ko din xa minsan in real life! hehehe!

thats all.. kung naturn off ka, sensya na (bakit wala ka bang itinatagong baho jan? kapal mo parekoy/marekoy! ) kung tanggap mo ako, well, thanks! (tangap din kita at hindi kita huhusgahan! mwah mwah!)

bow^__^

FORBIDDEN LOVE

2009-01-16T01:18:00.001+08:00

I was carried away by the gentle blows of the air from your lips.

Hypnotized by your enchanting whispers.

The power of your sweet temptation consumed me.

I tried to resist. I know I am strong! But I lost.

Before the sincere stare of your eyes, I’m a helpless weakling.

I am enslaved by love, a prisoner that follows nothing but the order of the heart.

I know it was wrong! I confess I am guilty.

But is it a sin to love and be loved?

Should I be crucified for my embezzlement because of passion?

Should you punish a loving heart that follows its longing?

To live is to love! To love is to live!

Without love, nobody is alive.

I was in wilderness, suddenly I am found!

Found in a valley of prohibited love!

Found by love but lost in the dessert of judgment!

My heart was judged by the blinded world!

World of careless criticisms and depth conventions!

Conventions of obsolete cultures, unable to move on!

I am evil, they say! The verdict was given without just trial!

I am heading to hell, they claim! But at least I had a taste of heaven!

Lucky we are, you say! But pity you, I say!

You never had a chance to taste the nectar of the gods!

You never experienced making butterflies fly like phoenix!

You never felt touching the fire and be frozen!

The delight brought by secret kisses.

The romance tickling the cold body longing for warmth!

The ecstatic feeling of reaching heavens in every touch!

And the pounding of every veins of a dead body

That comes to life in every intimate encounter!

Love is a paradise in a world full of thorns and bushes.

TO god... A BLASPHEMY OF A NON BELIEVER

2008-12-30T13:11:00.005+08:00

(PASINTABI SA MGA NANINIWALA SA diyos...)

Damn you! Why are you so judgmental? How dare you demand too much? Is your love conditional? Can't you love me for who I am and accept me for becoming someone whom you do not want me to be? Why do you have to have conditions? This is the source of all my resentment against you.

You told me that you will never leave me. Yes, you never did. But what did you do? Nothing! You just sat beside me, passively watching! I ask for help, I beg for mercy! You never do anything! You have weakness my tears falling all night, and I never stop talking to you, asking for a miracle! You just smile at me! I hate you!

I know that my pain is not a secret in you. I know that you are very familiar of my pathetic condition. I know that you are aware that I'm extremely hurting and my spirit is dying. But in the mists of my loudest cry and lamentation, what did you do? NOTHING!

I hold on to you. I really do. I hold on like a gekko! ( As in kapit tuko! Alam mo yan!) I waited patiently. I fought! I never gave up. I believed! I trusted you. What did you do? NOTHING!

You fooled me. You betrayed me! You made me believe only to find out that you're just a lie! That you are not true! That you never exist! How dare you! You are impotent! A liar!

You don't have the right to blame me because these are all your fault. I did my part, you know it! It is you who never did anything! I'm such a fool that I wasted too much of my devotion to you only to realize that I'm just whispering my words of prayers to the wind. You hurt me! You betrayed me!

Pinabayaan mo ako. Hindi mo ako tinulungan. Wala kang kwenta! Masama ba yung hiniling ko sa iyo para hindi mo ibigay? Gago ka! Tangina mo! Pinanood mo lang ako habang unti unting lumulubog sa hukay habang wala akong tigil sa pagmamakawang tulungan mo ako. Hindi ko iyon ginusto. Hindi ko iyon pinili. Kaya nga nagpapatulong ako sa iyo di ba? Wala ka lang talagang wkentang hayop ka!

Kamumuhian kita at kasusuklaman, ituturing na walang saysay hangat hindi mo napapatunayan sa akin na totoo ka... I'm just here waiting for what you will do. If you are real and nothing is imposible with you, patunayan mo! Patunayan mong mali ako.

One Night Stand

2008-12-23T21:40:00.004+08:00

A precious moment of happiness.

A short time for forbidden delight.

A fulfillment of warm fantasies and inhibited desires.

An execution of a secret longing for heaven on earth.

A memory worth a treasure, to be THROWN,

A remembrance of a valued opal, to be FORGOTTEN.

An IMPURE pearl but priceless for a bored heart.

A golden time of pleasure, but DISPOSABLE!

Oh Heart!

Forget the one night stand!

Make it part of the past,

Because if not,

It will dig a deep well of love.

If it is remembered,

It will bury a heart and mind.

If one keeps coming back,

It will imprison a soul.

And when a heart is barren there,

The only escape is death.

INSANE

2008-12-09T01:48:00.008+08:00

Yesterday I was alive.
Today I’m living.
Tomorrow I will die.

I am dead but I’m breathing.
Paralyzed but I’m moving.
I had wings, I walked.
I had feet , I flew.

Am I dead?
Dead is not living.
Alive is not dead

Why am I breathing?
I am dead.
Maybe I’m living!

I fly. I fall!
I fall. I fly!

Am i dead?
I’m alive!
I’m alive but I’m dead.

What must I do?
Aha! I know…
I will live a life of dead.

Before My Enemy

2008-11-27T23:30:00.003+08:00

I am so scared. I always run away and hide. I never had the courage to face my enemy. I’m always a looser, and to avoid its repetition, I always break away. But sometimes, no matter how fast I run, no matter how tricky are my escapes, and no matter how hard I try to hide… I still get caught off guard by my enemy. I always end up crying at one corner. A pitiful looser… Helpless… Demeaned… Pathetic…

My enemy is a monster who is always on the look out. He is waiting for all the chances to devour me. I am as always a vulnerable victim who never had even a little courage or strength to defend myself and fight. It made me so scared. My enemy never had “MERCY” in his vocabulary; it is his delight to see me suffering and it pleasures him to hear my lamentations and loud cries.

The cycle got on and on, until one day I learned…

I must face my enemy. My fears give him more strength, the attempts to escape give him more reason to run after me and hunt, my tears reward him; therefore these must end. Until one day, as he was chasing me, I stopped and stared at him, in his very eyes. The picture of how scary he was is still vivid in my memory even until now. I stood still—shaky, breathless, afraid, and tottering…I faced my enemy.

My courage wasn’t enough. My enemy consumed me in one mouth full. He ground me with his sharp teeth, he swallowed and digested me with the acid of his stomach. After wards, he discharged… I am a piece of shit… Then he left satisfied. Again I’m defeated.

Now, I’m no longer scared. I’ve learned to accept my cycle of defeat, and whatever I do, I know that it will not be enough to make me win even a single match against my enemy. I have learned to take the bitterness of defeat as a sweet spice of life, the pain of agony as a rejuvenating massage of challenge. My enemy will never die. He will stay, yet I will never surrender. I will endure him until forever… because I know that one day my enemy will become my comrade. WHEN? –When the world opens its eyes to see.

HINDI KITA GUSTO!

2008-11-24T21:17:00.009+08:00

Nang ako'y magtapat, pag ibig sa iyo,
Ang isinagot mo’y "hindi kita gusto!"
Pinabayaan kang mag-isip ng husto,
Ngunit tugon pa ri’y "Hindi kita gusto!"

Minsa’y inabutan ng pulang rosas ko,
Ngunit umirap ka’t "Hindi kita gusto!"
Ipinadala ko’y singsing namang ginto,
Ngunit ibinalik, "Hindi kita gusto!"

Anu mang ialay, ibigay sa iyo,
Ang tugon momg lagi’y "Hindi kita gusto!"
Sa tuwituwinang lalapit sa iyo,
Ang sinasabi mo’y "Hindi kita gusto!"

Hanggang sa lubusang napagod ang puso,
Manhid sa katagang "Hindi kita gusto!"
Doon ko naisip na sa yo’y lumayo
At sinabi ko ring "Hindi kita gusto!"

BODY SHOTS: SOME PIECES OF ME

2008-11-21T15:01:00.005+08:00

MALASWA BA?
IKAW NA ANG HUMUSGA.
PEDE NA BA PANG BENCH BODY?
READY NA KO FOR SUMMER BEACH OUTINGS!
HEHEHE! D NAMAN MALASWA DIBA?^__^
it's an art--art is liberal~an expression of freedom.

Birthday Ko!

2008-11-20T07:28:00.002+08:00

Hay.. Sa araw na ito, isang panahon ng tag –init sa buwan ng Nobyembre, madilim ang langit at umuulan. Bakit kaya? Wala namang bagyo, at ayon sa weather forecast ay maaraw dapat… Alam ko ang sagot!

Ang langit ay humihikbi at nakikipagdalamhati. Nakikipagluksa ang buong himpapawid sa isinumpang araw na paparating bukas. November 19 ngayon, November 20 bukas! November 20—ang isinumpang araw! Ang araw ng aking kapanganakan, ang araw din na nagsilbing hudyat ng simula ng mapait kong pakikipagsapalaran sa malupit at mapanghusgang mundo. Putang ina!!!!

How I wish I wasn’t born. That I weren’t myself! Sana hindi na lang ako isinilang bilang ako. Sana kangaroo na lang ako o aso, o langgam, o kahit na pulgas or mas malupit, kahit microscopic bacteria na lang! Siguro mas masaya pa ako… Ayoko ng buhay ko! Ayoko sa lahat ng bagay sa mundo na related sa kung sino ako ngayon! Nahihirapan akong maging tao! All this started in November 20, 1983. At bukas, muli na namang aalalahanin ng mundo ang araw na yon. Ang araw na akala ng iba ay dapat ipagdiwang, pero para sa akin ay isinumpang araw. Babatiin na naman ako ng “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” at kailangan ko na namang ngumiti ng abot sa tenga buong araw at magppasalamat sa lahat ng babati… Hay naku! Sabi nga, MAS MADALING NGUMITI KAHIT DI KA MASAYA KAYSA IPALIWANAG SA LAHAT KUNG BAKIT MALUNGKOT KA. There’s something behind my sweet smile.

I wanna go back to basics, to where it all started. Would that be possible? What if I’m already lost and can’t find the way back? Should I ask for help from the strangers crossing my way? I already did before, but it seems to me that all of them, if not with a hidden agenda, doesn’t really know the way—and just like me, lost in their journey to life. There’s no use for asking… (blind can never lead another blind)----YAN ANG MASAMA KAPAG SKEPTIC KA! And I can’t help but be skeptic.

It’s so hard to be human. The world is always imposing too many rules. People are expecting too much…and I have to meet their expectations! If not, I’m doomed! If I will do what I want, and will not think of others, I will hurt people who want me to be someone that I’m not and seeing them getting hurt---will hurt me more. My life is like meeting many prerequisites that life requires, and if II will miss out one, my full credential as human being will also be denied. And so I have to forge my documents!

What I’m trying to say is… Mahirap mabuhay. Andaming hinihingi ng mundo. Ang daming iniimpose na rules. Ang daming requirements ng pagiging tao. Nakakasawa, nakakabwiset pero wala akong choice! At nagsimula ang lahat ng ito noong November 20, 1983…Ang araw na ako’y isinilang! Ang isinumpang araw na marapat lamang ipagluksa! Tang inang yan!!PAKSHET!

A New Discovery

2008-11-17T20:25:00.002+08:00

I thought I’m already toasted; that my eyes have seen enough evil and my hart have felt enough anger, that I am to be called a pessimist; that my skepticism is already efficient to screen the unique versus the counterfeited, that the hotcake I am cooking is already well done, and the syrup is sweet enough to top it. I was wrong!

This time I realized that some of the things that I used to believe are wrong. (Whatta disappointment!) That those things which I use to see as clean are dirty, those that I handled with care because of their fragility are actually damaged, and my cautious handling was of no use. I discovered that I still make wrong judgment with the things that I thought I already have mastered. Let’s call it “myaw”.

I thought myaw was pure, (based on the judgment of my mastery) found out it was quite impure. I esteemed myaw so well that I look up to it with admiration, found out that it was disgusting. I thought myaw was a precious gem, found out that it was so cheap (with a value of less than the dumpy ten-peso-beads that we can buy on sidewalk bazaars—pakshet!).

I discovered that I’m still young. That my heart is still pure and my mind is still virgin. I discovered that I’m still a clean-young-boy, lost in a dirty-old-world. I thought I’m old enough! I was wrong…

I think, if heaven is for real, I will be more deserving to go there than those morons who claim to have god but cannot do what their faith commands! Hell they are! People who just speak of god but dump the whole religion that they value because of their unholy actions.

I’m really disappointed of humankind. It’s such a shame, I’m one of them! Many of them are dirty-moron-demon-idiot-bitch-fake-whore-maniac-disgusting creature! (Of course not all but take note of the word “MANY”). I’m not bragging of my cleanliness and goodness. And definitely, I am not claiming to be clean and good. Also, I’m not imposing my judgment on yours… (Just expressing my feelings)

Hay naku! As in! Yun lang ang masasabi ko. I’m really disappointed, esp to “myaw”!!!pakshet! Totoo pala ang madalas kong marinig na kataga: “Nakabulag ka na naman!” –I am a self confessed victim! “Nabulag ako!”

Beggar of Love

2008-11-17T20:24:00.001+08:00

Indigence is within me.

Wealth surrounds you.

Give me alms!

Spare me a bit of the plenty in you.

Lying by your hands,

Are treasures beyond measure.

Allow me to grab just a bit,

The nectar of love, i want to leak

When will you have mercy?

When will you reach out a hand?

When will you feel a conviction to share?

When will you hear my piercing cry?

I’m begging! Hear me!

Soften your heart and listen.

I shall never surrender.

I shall never stop shouting for mercy.

One day, I know…

A drop of love will fall for me;

A drop coming from your precious hand,

By then, the beggar will become a bourgeoisie,

And crack laughter of victory!

COSTUME

2008-11-17T20:23:00.001+08:00

“Sino ka ba?!” I once asked myself. It is really hard to wear different costumes, specially when they don’t fit you well.

Nagsoot ako ng abito noon. That was when I thought I’m holy. I always pray. I go to church every Sunday and attend prayer meetings during weekdays. I also learned preaching, and because I’m a good speaker, I brought a lot of “SOUL” (as they call it) before the thrown of god. I became god’s instrument to change many lives! I spread the good news. Banal ako… But that wasn’t me.

Sinubukan ko ring magkabit ng puting pakpak at maglagay ng “halo” sa ulo bilang isang anghel. I was so obedient. I was so meek and harmless. I always try my best to do good and to be good. Whenever things go wrong, I always think positive and believe that god will be my refuge. I never participated in any malicious talks. I despised all immorality and unclean/unholy thoughts and practices. I made myself pure because I’m an angel. When someone do me harm I’m always ready to forgive, and when bad thoughts begin to enter my mind, I rebuke them right away! I always study hard, and never cheat on my exams while I make sure that I will get high grades so that my parents and family will be proud. Basta kailangan kong maging mabuti sa lahat ng aspeto dahil sugo ako ng dyos. Dahil dala ko sa lahat ng aking ginagawa ang kanyang pangalan. Because I am an angel… Pero artipisyal lamang ang aking mga pakpak, at madalas, nahuhulog ang aking “halo” ng hindi ko namamalayan.

Sinubukan ko ring maging hudlum. I imitated the goons in movies who are strong and somewhat dominant. Yun bang tipong nangungursunada at nanghaharang ng mga weakling na dumadaan sa may kanto… I became alcoholic and a chain smoker. I always go with my friends to hang out and drink or to mess up whatever trips we have!I rebel against the world. Nagpariwara ako at hinayaan ang sarili na mapadpad sa kung anu anung lugar at ibat ibang kulay ng spot light. I bullied those helpless little insects around me! I made their lives miserable to create an atmosphere of hell here on earth. I made sure that they will suffer and they will feel ashamed so that my mission as a devil will be accomplished. Minsan ko na ring nilaro ang sayaw ni kamatayan! But it was a failure, kasi hindi bagay sa akin ang sungay na pilit kong ikinabit sa aking ulo.

Naging mascot ako! I became like a clown who makes everybody happy: I danced, I sang, I performed magic tricks, and of course best of all, I cracked funny jokes! Inaliw ko ang mga bata at pati matatanda! Binigyan ko ng kulay ang mga buhay nilang dati at black&white lamang. Binigyan ko ng pagkakaabalahan ang mga naiinip at nakatunganga! I even fulfilled the wild imaginations of those fancy dreamers. Every laughter that I got brought me no good. Because at the back of my mask was a lonely little boy.

Dati akong balerina. With grace, I danced to satisfy the demands of my audience. Pilit kong sinabayan ang bawat agos na dala ng musika at ang mga “dance steps” ng aking mga kasayaw. Tip toed while carefully stretching my arms and legs, I calculateded all my dance steps so that there will be no mistake! Sayaw dito, sayaw doon, kailangang matuwa ang mga manonood, sayang ang ibinayad nila sa “ticket” para mapanood lang ako.But at the end of every performance, there are still negative criticisms. However hard I tried to be graceful, I still get ridiculed by negative comments with my “valet”. It was quite exhausting. Paulit ulit! Pasirko-sirko! Most of all, its not happy to do things without enjoyment.

Its pretty hard to wear different costumes, even harder to portray their characters.They will delete your identity until such time that you don’ t know who you are anymore. Its hard to fake things out and to live your life for others. Its hard to be someone whom you are not. We sometimes fail to see our own clothes, and since we don’t want to get out naked, we tend to look around for an alternative. But when you look at the mirror, you will notice that something which is not your own will always look awkward. Sabi nga nila–hindi bagay! “Baduy!” So why will I push myself to fit into a costume which isn’t mine? Kaya ayun! I picked up my own costume and worn it. Kakaiba ito. Tamang tama ang sukat, maaliwalas at presko ang pakiramdam, at maganda ang bagsak sa aking katawan! Fit na fit! And yes, although it isn’t perfect, I’m happy that finally I have learned to wear my own costume, and accept the unique design that it has. No more that I play another character..today its really me! What you see is what you get. Care free! No inhibitions! Daring!

I have learned to accept myself and who I really am. I now acknowledge my strengths and weaknesses, and strive to improve what is good and resolve what is wrong. I have decided which principles will I apply in my life. I have my own set of beliefs and values, and these can never be swayed by others’ opinions and criticisms. I am now independent, make decisions for myself and stand for the consequences of my actions. Masarap palang magpaka totoo. Masarap mabuhay ng malaya at hindi natatakot magkamali, because in every mistake there are lessons to be learned.

My costume is not perfect, it actually have lots of defects and undeniably, its still a subject to other peoples scrutiny and criticisms–I am not afraid. Syempre marami pang tanong na hindi nasasagot, there are still peaces of designs for my cloth that are scattered around and are yet to be found…But the thing I’m sure is– I will pick them, wear them and gladly accept them, because they will make me the better person that I will be.

I may not be the person that you expect me to be, or someone who is as beautiful person as others. I’m not as worthless as scrap nor as worthy as diamond but I know that I have my own value, just like anybody else. The journey is still long, the end of the road–still foggy, but knowing that I’m now wearing my own costume makes me feel satisfied.

Defeated

2008-11-17T20:22:00.003+08:00

Finish me! I beg.

The battle is over.

I surrender.

Take my life.

Shout your victory!

The wounds that you have incurred are unbearable.

The slash of your sword reaches my soul.

You are blowing punches of death to my spirit.

The whips of your brutal shied throws away my dignity.

Your strength doesn’t fit mine, it overflows.

My courage has been eaten by your valor.

The battle ground is you territory, I am an outsider.

My battle cry is sinking in the echo of your roaring might.

Don’t spare my life.

Let me die!

Behead me!

End my agony.

Then, I will thank you.

hindi ko maarok

2008-11-17T20:20:00.001+08:00

Wala ang pag asa saan mang dako ipaling ang aking paningin.

Ang paligid ay puno ng mga agnas na pangarap,

Mga lakbay diwang kailan ma’y hindi magkakaroon ng katuparan.

Pilitin mang ibangon ang mga nagtumbahang kastilyo’y wala na ring magagawa.

Guguho’t guguho rin ito sapagkat may nag-aabang na mga anay, na maging ang pinaka matigas na kahoy, o bato, o kahit asero’y kayang parupukin at buong buong tunawin.

Masdan ang mga bangkay ng mga lumipas na ngiti.

Ang lahat ng ito’y pawang mga alala na lamang ng mapait na nakaraan.

Anu ba ang lasa ng sarap?

Tila kailan ma’y hindi ito natikman ng pusong uhaw sa pagkandili; pawang kabisado niya ay ang lasa ng asim at pait ng buhay…

Sa pag sikat pa lamang ng araw ay hating gabi na sa gising na diwa, ang liwanag nito’y nagdadala ng nakabubulag na karimlan.

Bawat kaganapa’y tila ba hagupit ng kapalarang umuusig sa kaluluwang walang kalaban laban.

Saan hahanapin ang nais makita kung sa simula pa lamang, ito’y panaginip na.

Saan hahanapin ang wala?

Aasa pa bang bukas ay dadating pa kung huminto na sa pag ikot ang mundong kay lupit?

Umaalingasaw ang bahong dati’y pilit ikinukubli ng takot na puso.

Isang bahong humahalimuyak sa katotohanan subalit bumabara sa ilong mga nagbubulag bulagan…

Dapat bang ito’y pasingawin at hayaang tangayin ng hangin?

Marahil ay hindi.

Mainam pang maghintay hangang magkusang ito’y malanghap at ipaubaya ang paghuhusga.

Mabaho ba o humahalimuyak? Lason ba o matamis na pulot buhat sa kaluluwang namimighati at nais makalaya?

Hintaying bumukas ang pikit nilang mga mata upang ang mga tuyong rosas ay mamulaklak na!

Wala ng pag asa.

Ang bawat himaymay ng mga nabigong pangarap ay natatangay sa hangin ng kalungkutanan.

Ang mga talulot ng dalamhati ay patuloy na nanlalagas at inaanod sa kawalan.

Ang lahat ng katinuang natitira sa ulirang puso ng batang mandirigma nabaliw na.

Umaalon pa rin ang mga dugong nagbubulwakan sa bawat pag saksak na nakakamtan ng kaluluwang patang pata na.

Naghihimagsik na ang kaisipang di maarok kung alin ang alin at saan ang saan.

Hindi na malaman ng bali baling bagwis kung saan lilipad.

Nasiraan na ng ulo ang henyong dati’y lumalaban.

Patay na ang mandirigmang kahapon lamang ay nagtatagumpay.

Sa dako paroon…

Kung saan nagliliparan ang mga kulisap at nangangamoy ang mabahong bangkay ng kabiguan.

Sa loob ng nabuwal na pusong sugatan,

Nakatanim ang isang binhi…

Lilipad lipad sa ulap ng kawalan ang uhaw na pusong humahanap ng pag kandili ng inang tila ba nagpabaya.

Tataghoy taghoy ang kaluluwang namatayan ng pagkakakilanlan.

Inaanod ang mga butil ng buhanging binasa ng luha sa malawak na karagatan ng kabiguan.

Ilang saglit na lamang at lulutang na ang isla sa gitna ng kawalan.

Isang isla ng kamalayan na patuloy na guguho ay paulit ulit na mabubuo hangang sa makamit ang yakap na matagal nang inaasam.

Isang yakap n puputol sa tanikalang nagbibilanggo sa pusong nagpupumiglas at nais makalaya; yakap na bubuhay sa kaluluwang inagnas ng mapapait na karanasang dulot ng walang katapusan at nakakapagod na paglalakbay sa daan ng buhay.

What a Dying Person Feels…

2008-11-17T20:15:00.001+08:00

This is based on fact, something that a dying person had experienced. This is the reality that happens before a living person becomes a dead body. If you don’t have an idea, well then, let me describe…

When you are dying… You see no hope at all, knowing that your final hour is about to come; that the period in the sentence of you life has been written. All the encouragements given to you, turn in vain because they sound nonsense and unrealistic before your ears. All that you can hear soundly are the shouting last beats of your heart! The baiting breath that you can hardly release gives you no hope, thus making you weaker.

All the gestures of goodness are initially good, but suddenly turn into garbage, because those will end soon and none is memorable. No grounds for appreciation, knowing that you can never take them with you as you depart. You realize that people are doing these because they know that you are dying and not because they want… People think they are doing you good but actually are not. They are just propounding your agony.

The food, however delicious; however enticing is the presentation, and pungent is the smell of aroma—becomes dull in your palate. You never have the desire to eat them. You cannot swallow them.

They say that an accused when found guilty, must eat well and fulfill his last wish before the final hour of serving his death penalty; actually this is realized during the dying moments. The more you fulfill his wishes, and give him good food; the more you make him happy and full; is the more you bring him sadness and disappointment. More painful–the faster you are killing him! Euthanasia!

All the goodness is an act of cruelty. All the nice words are condescending words! None brings good, none takes an effect. Medicine becomes poisonous! Concern becomes curse. Care turns into abuse. Why a dying person does feels and sees this way? Because he knows that at any moment, he will depart. The feeling of wanting to stay because of what people are doing makes him more and more a loser. Death is destiny! It has been written even before the beginning of the story. Nobody can save him! None can change what is about to happen.

The agony continues until the hour of death.

The feeling, so bad… The feeling, so unbearable…Vulnerability! Helplessness! Extreme pain and agony! The feeling of a dying person is the feeling that you will always want to end. It is something that you will never desire to experience, and for a dying person, it is an experience that he would always wish to escape.

In life, there are many kinds of death: physical death, spiritual death, intellectual death, emotional death, death of hope, death of future, death of enthusiasm, death of optimism…

I am dying. Now you know how it feels…

Stream of Consciousness

2008-09-28T14:14:00.003+08:00

As I stare blankly at the wall, thinking nothing, feeling nothing, just nothing… I realized nothing. I sighted. Wonder. What’s going on around me? It seems that the earth is rotating so fast on its axis, and I’m being left behind; for the reason that I cannot decipher yet…

There are plenty of things that I want to say, but no words can fit to tell them. My thoughts are unable to construct the language that will make them understandable. My soul is mute, deprived of enthusiasm to speak; probably scared to say things invaluable. There are plenty of emotions inside me, but no action is suitable to express them. I’m burning inside. There is a volcanic eruption that shouts loudly for freedom, but I’m simply incapable of setting it free. I am not in the position to do so. Who should do it? Who should set it free so that the lava can flow freely? I simply do not know.

I’m feeling messy. Sweaty. Sticky. My carcass smells bad because of all the dirt that I have acquired from the outside. The feeling of disgust overflows. My stronghold is weak, the shelter is unsafe from pollution. The wind is blowing an air of death. The background music is creating a disturbing noise, full of sarcasm and insult. My companions are dancing with contempt! I have no companion…I took a bath; I bathed with blood because the water seems to have evaporated before me and its cycle was over.

I stubbed myself. I felt nothing, because no blood flows from the wound that is yet to incur. I have been stubbed several times in my very face, no wound was inflicted—just a bulging injury that is severely fatal, but I am still alive. I have been back-stubbed; it felt better than being stubbed on the face, especially if I never knew I’m stubbed. Some of those who stubbed me never knew they did, I shall not forgive them unless they realized.

I cannot shout for vengeance because my plot is not yet final, uncertain if the means are worth of the end, or vise versa. I connive with myself; we sharpen the blade of my pointed, poisonous arrow, and aim the bow to blow. Unfortunately I got paralyzed by an internal explosion! My heart got wounded. My brain decomposed. The target dodged my attack—THE ENDEAVOR WAS IN VAIN! I took my clothes off and got naked; ran outside and dip myself in mire full of stinking mud and deadly bacteria so that I could camouflage, but I got more noticeable.

As I stare blankly at the wall, thinking nothing, feeling nothing, I saw a piece of tiny microscopic dust. I decided to get rid of it, or else it will put in to my impurity. When I was about to wipe it out with a clean rug, it shouted and told me some things that I shall never forget. “I am myself. A dummy. A clear dusk that can never be seen by your eyes. Only sensitive souls can penetrate what is behind my deceiving smile. I am waiting for the dawn. Touch me not. Let me fly into nowhere until I find myself.”

I sat down and stared blankly into it until I fell asleep…

What Life Is

2008-09-28T14:08:00.004+08:00

Life is a bunch of mysteries,
many questions are always left unasked,
those asked are always left unanswered…
many answers are always left unsaid..

Good things come but never stay,
in a sudden flee–they fade away!

Life is like a game,
go on and run a race for fame!
and then you have to welcome pain…

The Atheist

2008-09-28T14:05:00.004+08:00

am an innocent spirit before the great wisdom

I was taught…

That he watches over me,

he is good all the time,

there are miracles,

nothing is impossible with him,

I must believe and trust him,

he blesses the faithful,

he punishes the evil,

he won’t let me down,

he will save me.

I am a guilty spirit before the great wisdom

I have learned…

That I should guard myself against harm,

he can do nothing but inspire me,

there are no miracles,

nothing is impossible if I have the will,

I must open my eyes to reality,

Goodness rips off goodness,

Evil pays off consequences,

I should not be blinded by faith,

I am never saved.

There will be Blood

2008-09-28T14:04:00.001+08:00

Tame the wild

Cut the claws.

Pluck out the tusks

Rub against to make them dull.

Transform the lion into a sheep, the hawk into a dove.

There will be blood.

Practice diplomacy

Be calm! Never argue!

Submit before the enemy

Lighten up and smile!

Stop the fight, abstain from war.

There will be blood.

Cry out laud before god and pray!

Believe and hold on to faith.

Nothing is impossible with the divine

His hands perform miracles.

Wishes of the faithful are granted.

There will be blood.

Where kindness prevails and love reigns

Where peace and unity reside

Where happiness and perfection arise

There will be blood.

COURAGE, COWARDICE, DEFIANCE

2008-09-28T14:02:00.001+08:00

I shall strive to be.

If power will enslave me

I’d rather bow down.

If happiness will bring me mourning

I’d rather be lonely.

If wealth will cause me indigence

I’d rather be deprived.

If beauty will repulse me

I’d rather be ugly.

If fame will make me ashamed

I’d rather be unknown.

If knowledge will fool me

I’d rather be a moron.

If freedom will imprison me

I’d rather be caged.

I shall endeavor to be.

If all is at odd

I will even them.

If they stand against me

I will make them fall.

If I am killed

I will live again.

I will stand every time I fall.

I will crack laughter during agony.

I will win over defeat.

I will be at my best in the worst.

I shall enjoy heaven in chaos.

I shall see clearly in the midst of darkness.

I shall not surrender when captured.

I shall not believe the truth.

No Wind Beneath the Wings

2008-09-28T14:00:00.002+08:00

I have wings. I can’t fly.

We usually get inspired by things around us. We get inspired
by love, by fame, by beauty, by intelligence, by power, by goodness, etcetera!
These lead to making us better people in a standpoint. When we are inspired, we
do good things which contribute to our happiness and these overflow to benefit the
well being of other people around us. We feel good. Others look up to us. We
fly.

While flying, one sees the beauty of the world and he feels united
with it. In his eyes many revelations are disclosed, even the ugly ones. The
tendency is to dwell with beauty and abandon the ugly ones to pursue a higher
flight. As one fly higher he settles for more and more sublimity, and the
higher a person becomes, the more powerful he feels—the happier.

Normal assumption and even the Bible, hold on to the idea of
loving goodness and detesting evil. Figuratively, goodness is beautiful, while evil
is ugly; the same with the metaphor “white is moral—black is immoral.” In pursuit
of becoming a higher form of life, or in maintaining the status of being in the
side of beauty, one tends to turn away from ugliness or oftentimes, in the
process, abominating it. Not knowing that while he is reaching the heavens… he
is also digging a grave; failing to notice that running after goodness is
turning him to evil.

How many times do you think you’re better than others? How
many times do you laugh at their misfortunes? How many times do you see their
shortcomings but never realized yours? How often do you criticize them and
whisper your criticisms to those of your kind?—so that you can laugh together… How many times do you make fun of them? How often do you throw stones to those who are
flying bellow you so that they may fall? How many times do you show no mercy? How
often do you bury them? …In doing such, you fly higher. When you degrade
others you realize that you are better than them. In highlighting their
weaknesses you are emphasizing your success. In defeating them, you are becoming
victorious.

Only those with enough wind beneath their wings can fly.
Obviously, everybody has wings, but the problem is winds are limited. Wings are
“the human potentials,” wind is what makes us realize those potentials. We ourselves
are the wings of our lives; inspiration is the wind that makes us fly. If there’s
no wind beneath the wings, happiness is far from reach. If there’s no wind
beneath the wings, one can never fly even if he posses the most beautiful pair
of wing in the world.

There are three reasons why some people fail to be happy.
One, they do not know that they have wings to fly. Two, they do not have enough wind beneath their wings.
Three, they are always stoned every time they attempt to fly.

I have wings. I can’t fly.

Ba’t Ganun?

2008-09-28T13:57:00.001+08:00

ycel,

kala ko ba wala ka na? kala ko iniwan mo na ako? bakit kung kailang tahimik na ang gabi at payapa na ang lahat, kung kailang ipipikit ko na sana ang mga mata ko para matulog saka ka naman kumatok?

anu ba talagang gusto mo? hindi na kita maintindihan. noong ibinabasura kita habol ka ng habol! tapos nung naisip ko nang hindi ka pala basura kundi ginto …at ng tangakain kong pulutin ka at itago, saka ka naman tumakbong palayo…di ba hinabol pa kita? matagal din kitang hinabol at ng maabutan kita…ayun!! inalagaan kita, itinago, iningatan…pero ano? di ba’t tumakbo ka muling palayo! iniwan mo ako na walang tangang kahit ano sa aking palad.

umiyak ako at naglupasay. hangang sa maubos ang luha at mapagod…pagod na pagod. at ngaung sanay mag papahinga na ako… saka ka naman muling kakatok! anu ba talaga?

ba’t ganun?

emar

…aaminin ko, may kulang talaga sa buhay ko ngayon…hindi ko alam kung anu yon. anu nga kaya..?

embezzled puzzle

2008-09-28T12:58:00.001+08:00

There are too many questions in my mind about life. What is my purpose? What will really make me happy? Why do people believe in god? Who’s who among the people around me? blah blah blah…I am chained by what the world considers to be freedom, because I think that conventional thinking is not always right. What i am trying to say is, it does not mean that the belief of the minority is wrong because the majority believes the other way around .

I am a total irony. Imagine me exerting the best of my effort in everything I do without any goal in mind. I do not have a clear view of what or who I want to be in the future; I am uncertain. All I am doing is for the sake of surviving one day after the other, and so I am ready to die anytime.

I always tell myself, "since you do not know a lot of things in life, just do the best of your ability for what ever challenge coming on your way." And this is what I do. And this is what makes me survive.

I think my questions about life can never be answered because nobody knows the answer, people are just pretending or better yet, assuming that they know. But I do not believe. Human reasoning is very subjective. People believe in things even without evidence, example is the unity of the body and soul in man, almost 99.9% of humanity believes in it–basis:" the universal consensus of man" (very shallow!) yet true because it is of the majority,it is true..then I am wrong. When I query for a reason why it is true, St. Augustine told me, "It is a mystery."

Religion and Faith are like blindness, the way i see them. It is as if you are given a vinegar, the one giving it, telling you it is honey…you drink it and taste it; find out it is sour but still, you declare that it is honey. Foolishness! Blindness!

Allow me to make myself clear…I am not debating. I am not arguing. I am not also saying that what I believe is right. These are all expressions of what I think and feel about these aspects of life. As the saying goes, "We are living in a democratic country." Ha ha ha! ^_^